I see my last and only post for 2018 was in February. That sounds about right, because that was the last time I remember having much free time in the evenings. But now in the weird lull between Christmas and New Years I seem to have a bit of time and clarity. And I’m forcing myself to sit down a write again. It has not been for lack of want. Throughout this year I have come up with many moments and topics to write about, but haven’t had the will or capacity to execute. I really want to change that in the new year.
This year has been a bit sad for journaling. I was actually doing a fairly good job journalling at the start of the year, doing a few entries, especially good on trips. But back in March my lovely Green journal, detailing the previous 2 years, was left on a train between Köln and Utrecht in the front pocket of my seat along with the book I was reading. It was the start of many things I lost on that trip, some which didn’t end up being lost (1. I didn’t lose my eye/sight in a bungee cord accident at de Molen brewery and 2. I got my wallet back after leaving it on a Alkmaar canal cruise a few weeks later). I’d never lost a journal before and still was checking the Deutsche Bahn lost and found website for reports of it up until a couple months ago. I’m still sad about it. I lost a few months of journaling because sad. So for my birthday this year I got myself a new journal, but misordered and got the wrong the wrong size. It’s tiny and actually not very fit for purpose. I will continue to use it though until it’s written through regardless. These events have put me off writing a bit and wondering a points whether it was worth it.
But this year I found myself struggling to control anxiety. It seemed like things were ok and then suddenly I’d feel the slow creep of it to my head, finally walloping me into a very bad place. There were a few days off work as I couldn’t actually bear the thought of having to speak to humans (cats were fine). It would have sent me into a full panic attack. I work with a lot of humans I really like every day, so it made it even worse knowing I was missing work with these people. Good old anxiety.
So maybe stopping to breathe, to gather my thoughts and slowing down will make a difference in 2019. Part of that for me is writing. So I’m going to start again in 2019 with blogging (and keep journalling). I’m going to fucking force myself not to go out and not to book things in every weekend or even weekday for us to do. Even tonight when we’ve done so much the past week, there was still a draw to go to the pub or fill the evening with some event after work even though I knew I wanted to come home and write this. It’s going to be hard to slow down, but with frenetic London life naturally losing pace in January I hope I can reset a bit. I will be aiming for 2019 to be back with at least 2 posts right here on this blog every month. It’s a small, but important commitment I am making with myself. I’m imagining some longer posts with some smaller moments that I would like to capture, something similar to the b-rolls of GBH.
Any ways, here’s a shot from the New Forest in August. I stuck my head out of our tent in the morning and this is what I saw. I wanted to get up and take some more photos when some ponies wandered by, but within 10 minutes all the fog had cleared and I missed my opportunity. I’m pleased I got this one photo none the less. Happy new years folks.