A change in the wind

Maybe it’s just because it’s spring. The whole energy of the northern hemisphere is morphing, swinging into a period of growth. And perhaps standing around hugging trees most days has me in touch with that feeling. Or maybe I’ve just got a bad case of wind making me feel different than normal. It’s difficult to say really.

But it feels as if life is about to change dramatically. Which, owing to how my job is going and over all life is going, it’s not surprising. Something’s got to give. I just feel like I’m struggling with too many things right now. Things can’t continue in their current status.

I can’t keep temping.

I can’t blow my next interview.

I can’t have much fun at this rate of pay.

I can’t travel far.


I can’t continue to spend so much time alone.


It’s a lot of can’t. There’s a lot of awesome in my life too:

I can cycle to work.

I can explore the most beautiful city in the world at any second.

I can run for an hour with out too much bother.

I can play tennis whenever I want.

I can pet a cat (nearly) all the time I’m home.

I can read a shit ton of books thanks to the wonder of many libraries around the city.

I can wake up every morning and go to a job I absolutely love.

I can do what I want because I’ve got no one to answer to!


There’s a lovely quote by Theodore Roosevelt as follows:

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”


What I think is going on is that I’m feeling like I want an easier life. If aladdin would come out of a lamp right now my first wish would be for an easier life. I’d probably be transported back to Oregon circa 2009. And my second wish would immediately be to be transported back to now. And then my third wish would be for £1,000,000,000 non taxed. That would solve some things. 

My network of friends back in Oregon, has nearly disappeared now. I know I left. And maybe I haven’t been the best at keeping in touch. But I did/do try. And there’s just not much coming back over this side of the pond. That’s rather disparaging and sad.

I have a lovely family who do keep in touch. So at least I have that.

I’m just winging a bit. I will continue to do my best, to keep learning, to keep striving for something better. Meh.


In other news, I’ve been playing a few tennis matches lately. It’s been great to get out on the court and play proper matches. I haven’t won, but it’s been good. I was really thumping my serves towards the end of my 2nd match today. Saved 4 match points and forced a tie breaker for the 2nd set. This summer I’ll be out on the tennis court a lot aiming to improve all of my game and get to a new level of ability on the court. I’ll be keeping up with running as well. I ran for 50 minutes on Tuesday, I think running about 6 miles. Not too bad. If I’m not too sore from tennis, I’ll go for an hours long run tomorrow. I’m pushing my body a lot this year. I hope it can keep up with me. Maybe a very fit, long haired Colleen can land a guy. Cause the short hair, a bit pudgey Colleen wasn’t pulling much in the last year. Time will tell. Maybe this is part of my seismic shift! Love! I’d like to love and be loved once again.

I must be off. I’ve got some planning to do for my back garden. This morning I ripped out a patch of shit on our border and I plan to plant it up with something lovely and colorful this summer. Likely I’ll just put in some nice flowers for the bumble bees. If I put veg in, the damn slugs will eat it all. I’ll keep my veg in pots.

New bit of land to turn over

New bit of land to turn over

It’s not much space, but it’s something. I also ran out of time to finish clearing it up. I had to get to my tennis match. And since it’s been pissing down with rain and very window since about 2, I am not about to go back out there to finish it today. Tomorrow though……tomorrow.

Well, I’m off to relax the evening away. I’m beat! All the best to you all. Keep on traveling the difficult road…..

Categories: Uncategorized | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “A change in the wind

  1. AL

    Miss you Col!

  2. Dude, I totally understand what you mean about life back home. I moved away for 2 years and the ONLY PERSON WHO CAME TO VISIT as my mom. Blah. And I lived 20 minutes from New York Fucking City. So clearly, our friends have issues.

    I think most people just settle for the life that is given to them, as opposed to questioning the “norm” and living an un-traditional life, like you have chosen to do. My best advice is to get out and make as many new friends as possible. Friends back home will always be just that, back home. I hate to say it, but they just aren’t coming, and most of the time, it really is “out of sight, out of mind.” I hated it so much when I was gone. Its very heartbreaking. Of course I’m a douche and moved back, but for other reasons. And now I feel trapped and am having SERIOUS wanderlust issues again.

    Focus on your awesome job and your kitties! And plant roots as far as you can! Which if course is really hard as an adult. How exactly do you meet people as an adult?! I used meetup.com, which I think is in LDN too. I started my book club there and its awesome!

    Good luck and cheers! ~Anne

    • ldnphile

      Thanks Anne. Those are very nice words.

      I’d come visit you if you were in NYC! And you can come visit here and I’ll buy you like 20 beers.

      Last year I had like 8 people come visit. I think only three were really to see me, but I was perhaps a bonus factor to come visit London. This year, ZERO. I saw my best friend for 2 hours while she waited for a train connection in December, but that’s been the only person I’ve seen in 6 months.

      My mom has been the only one in my family to come visit me in 2 1/2 years, so I feel you on that end of things! How shit is that? I would have been over asap if someone in my family lived abroad.

      Sometimes I think people have me off the radar because I left facebook. Now no one knows what I’m doing (except those who read my blog) or cares to take the time to find out. I think that’s a big cop out for people. And it’s shit. To be fair, the people who have actually taken the time to email me and ask how things are, are pretty much the people I count as real friends. So what does that tell you about the social network? IT’S SHIT!

      Also I’m so happy to have Piccadilly. That was the best decision I made on this journey. Most people thought I was stupid to bring my cat with me. I’d be much harder to live over here if she wasn’t glaring at me from 2 yards away with her big green eyes. Judging me.

      Anne, you’re a very smart woman who can blog much better than me and you’ve got lots of potential. I think you need to embrace your inner wanderlust and do some traveling. Even though I sometimes feel like I’m on permanent travel, I fucking need to stop drinking and save up some money for my own wanderlusting as well! Lots to see on this wee little island.

      Cheers Anne! xx

      • I hear you on facebook. Its honestly the only reason I’m still on it is to keep tabs with friends. When I moved away it felt like my only lifeline. But as you’ve seen, its all in your head, these people don’t really “care” about what you do, or actually “like” what’s going on. Very out of sight out of mind, and its so sad!
        Hence the blog also, at least you can keep tabs on people without reading a status update, PLUS you’re probably getting a much more accurate snippet into their lives and what they are actually feeling.

  3. Eric Arndt

    I came and visited 3 times, and I just sent you an email. 🙂 What an amazing person I am!

    • Rickey, I don’t think its YOU personally. I just know I’ve been there. You feel very isolated, even when you have friends who visit. The problem is that you’re not there EVERYDAY, that eventually takes a toll and makes you feel lonely. Sometimes its WORSE when you visit and email because it makes you want that person around more. **not that you should EVER stop visiting or emailing!! :D**

      (just speaking from my personal experience)

      • ldnphile

        No doubt keeping in touch is key. Don’t stop that. But there’s only so many phone calls, emails and skype sessions you can have before it wears thin. It’s just too much. You start losing your brain. I’m bloody living my dream out every day. I can’t tell you how awesome it is. And despite that I spend a lot of time thinking about how much I miss people back stateside. It gets worse every day. It’s like a gathering storm that slowly moves over your head. It’s all sunshine and shit. Then it get’s a bit cloudy, a bit windy and chilly. Then it starts fucking pouring on you and you think ‘right, I’ve got to get home and get out this bad weather.’

        And when you get home, inevitably the sun comes back out and it’s too late to go back outside……

        I’m just doubting this whole adventure. And that’s just plain silly. Working and living in London with trees is awesome.

        Why don’t you kids come visit? It’d be cool.

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