The Gray Area

To say the least, I have had a shit eating weekend.  I want to puke.  Literally, my stomach is in such a knot over what I did and my heart is working overtime trying to keep up with my stress level and I have no one to blame but myself.  There won’t be details posted cause I am embarrassed and ashamed and everything other bad emotion I can imagine feeling.  I’ve lost a close friend and messed up many more relationships along the way.  Really, the only thing I can do from this experience is to learn from it and grow and become a better person.  And this post is not an excuse for my actions,  it is merely a cathartic writing exercise for my soul.  It’s a step in the right direction.

When I was younger, I saw things as so black and white.  The world was cut and dry, people were either good people or bad people.  As I get further along in my journey I realize it’s so gray.  Nothing is black and white.  I know that is cliche to say but it becomes more clear to me everyday.  You can’t go around thinking people are either good or bad.  Every person has good and bad in them and it’s sometimes a tough battle to keep the good in the majority. You don’t know what the situations are people had to deal with in their past that have lead them to where they are now.  And not everyone can triumph over adversity well.  Some struggle.

So here I am in the midst of one of worst situations in my life, all self inflicted and with no apparent way to heal the relationship I completely ruined.  The Colleen of 10 years ago would say I’m a terrible person with no hope for me to be good again.  I’m always going to be an asshole.  Luckily the Colleen of today sees the blackness in her life and wants to change it to light.  I can become a better person and one that does not disrespect and neglect her friends the way she has been.  I’m working really hard to get my life back on track with good trouncing all over the bad.

So I have decided to stop drinking for a while.  I’m leaving it open as I am not sure when I will feel comfortable again.  Yikes.  It seems like I’ve been on an epic drinking journey the last few months and it’s time to get control and stop.  It’ll be for everyone’s best interest, mostly my own though.  

My stress level in the last two months, be it from lack of plan for the future, moving, injury or months, has hit a high.  I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants and just feel like I haven’t been settled in ages.  I just keep going and going and never stopping to catch my breath.  There needs to be a reset.  In the near future it looks as though I will be taking a long weekend to sort my life to the only place I know where to go to sort my life.  It can only help if only to get out of town for a few days.

My shoulder is beginning to improve mucho and should lend to me increasing my physical activity, feeling better from the inside.  I’m thinking group tennis lessons will be nice and FINALLY frickin riding my bike to and from work.  It’s been pretty much ages since I commuted regularly to work.  On top of that, I’m going to start running.  It’s so mind sorting.  I always feel much better after it.  Or at least going for a walk for a bit every night.  Frisbee golf?  Yeah, I may hold off for a bit once my shoulder is up to strength.  We’ll have to wait and see.

So I don’t know what else to say.  I hope to have that gray area where I live my life to become a nice light shade of gray here real soon.  I’m off for a run.  Bye.

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