A blessing and a curse

I sometimes wish I wasn’t so restless.  That I didn’t want to escape every boarder put on me.  I wish I could be happy where I am right now.  Why can’t I just be content where I am?  I know…I’m happy to have ambition to do more with my life.  But at the same time, I wish that I didn’t have such a burden over my head to want to accomplish more.  Cause where I am is pretty sweet and I know jumping into anything more is just going to be harder, more stressful and in the end probably leaving me slightly less happy.  But I’ve got to do it and see where it takes me.  In the end it might lead me to a land of contentment and satisfaction that I have yet to see.  There’s only so many times you can mow a lawn and think that you’re doing something really worthwhile.  I know it’s just a job.  But it’s part of me.  It’s most of my waking hours.  It is great to make people really happy to come home and be able to look out their windows and see something they really like to see.   I know I like that.  It’s at these frustrating moments in life where I often think of the scene in “It’s a Wonderful Life” where George and Peter Bailey are talking about George’s future……

George: Oh, now Pop, I couldn’t. I couldn’t face being cooped up for the rest of my life in a shabby little office…Oh, I’m sorry Pop, I didn’t mean that, but this business of nickels and dimes and spending all your life trying to figure out how to save three cents on a length of pipe…I’d go crazy. I want to do something big and something important.
Pop: You know, George, I feel that in a small way we are doing something important. Satisfying a fundamental urge. It’s deep in the race for a man to want his own roof and walls and fireplace, and we’re helping him get those things in our shabby little office.
George: I know, Dad. I wish I felt…But I’ve been hoarding pennies like a miser in order to…Most of my friends have already finished college. I just feel like if I don’t get away, I’d bust.
Pop: Yes…yes…You’re right son.
George: You see what I mean, don’t you, Pop?
Pop: This town is no place for any man unless he’s willing to crawl to Potter. You’ve got talent, son. I’ve seen it. You get yourself an education. Then get out of here.
It’s hard to get away from these pull to do something big.  It’s particularly hard when you see so many old friends living grandiose lives in other parts of the country.  I’m not saying they have it easy or better, but just different.  Something that seems more attractive to what I want.  And actually, I don’t know what I want to do.  I guess I feel most fulfilled in life when I’m traveling.  And even better, traveling to new and exotic places.  It makes me want to get on a plane right now and go somewhere new.  To feel something new.  In the end you learn a lot about yourself.  You aren’t necessarily in any new position in life (as far as career), but to truly know oneself and challenge it is the best thing you can do.  And maybe from that you are able to go into a profession that before you would have been to hesitant and unsure of yourself to do.  I just see travel as being a way to find your true passions, whatever they are.  I know for me one of my true passions is the architecture of places and how they affect each individual person’s perspective on life.  I would have never known that without a trip to Europe in the 8th grade.  Every time I travel I find something else out.  It becomes addicting.  You want to know more and you know traveling is the best way to find it.  

I know I’m ranting, but I am having a hard time staying in the country right now.  I’m keeping myself from booking a plane ticket after my lease is up.  Travelocity is my new favorite place.  I check my email hoping to find another sweet international flight deal which I might take advantage of.  And another thing…..why do I have to feel so responsible?  Why can’t I just let go and do it?  I mean, just book it.  Work later.  Figure out details later.  Shit.   I’m crawling in my skin so badly.  Everything tells me to go.  But I think of long term consequences.  Boo.  You know, the long term consequences are missing out on life while it’s happening.  That’s what they are.  So yeah.  And if I’m this better Colleen, I best start really living up to it.  I think I will.  I think I will…….

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